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Twilight Saga: New Moon

April 7, 2009

The other day I finished New Moon and I have to say, it’s pretty disappointing.  I won’t get into Meyer’s writing ability.  I get that the books were never hailed as literary masterpieces.  However, the book seemed to lack clear direction.  I understand Meyer’s felt pressure to measure up to the Harry Potter books and had to write these verbose epic novels.  New Moon, though, could have been halved and still had the same intent.  Instead, New Moon was a bloated 550 page diary of a girl who lost her first crush and not much else.  Absolutely nothing happens in the book until the very end, where Meyer creates a contrived ending to bring the two lovebirds back together.  I still don’t know how they’re going to make this into a movie.

I will say this: after reading New Moon, I am definitely on Team Jacob.  Let me explain.  My friend Cari told me Bella and Edward are the new Jack and Rose (Titanic) of our generation.  I HATED that romance.  Basically, Rose cares more for a guy she met 50 years ago and had a one-night stand with, than her husband.  Let me repeat.  She cares more for a guy she met on a cruise and hooked up with than her husband of 30 years whom she has had children with and in turn grandchildren.  Rose is a bitch.  A skanky old grandma bitch.

This brings me back to Bella and Edward.  She picks Edward, who completely vanished on her and left her in shambles over Jacob.  Jacob was the guy who was always there for her and yet she still picks Edward.  And then I realized something.  I’m Jacob!  I never get the girl.  I’m always their friend and the guy who’s always there for them.  You know what?

Fuck You, Bella

Fuck you, Bella

Fuck You, Grandma Rose

...and fuck you, Grandma Rose

Yeah, that's right.  I'm on Team Jacob and Team Rose's Dead Husband.  Maybe even Team Billy Zane...who knows?

Yeah, that's right. I'm on Team Jacob and Team Rose's Dead Husband. Maybe even Team Billy Zane...who knows?

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2009 10:14 am

    LOLOLOLOL!!!!! most hilarious blog post ever! and mind you, just cause i said bella and edward are the new jack and rose doesnt mean i like them!!! i cannot choose between “team edward” and “team jacob” so i will just choose “team eff you bella, i hope you die a miserable vampire death and get your head ripped off”…yeah i said it…

  2. leila permalink
    April 7, 2009 10:42 am

    omg. this is great! haha- i enjoyed reading EVERY bit of this post. now lets find you a woman so you can let go of your bitterness towards this teen romance novel series 🙂

  3. Klein permalink
    April 7, 2009 1:11 pm

    I never saw any of these movies or read any of these books, but I still laughed my ass off… I think you could say “Fuck you _____” and probably get a laugh out of me though. especially if it’s “Fuck you, Grandma _______”

  4. mike permalink
    April 7, 2009 6:30 pm

    but bella is HOT!!

  5. April 7, 2009 8:36 pm

    Love this, Dan! Bella is a gluttonous biyotch! With that being said, I loved the series. New Moon was certainly my least favorite book though.

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